Time to live ...

It's been a while since my last post. Seems a lot has been going on, spending my time living I suppose. And finding little time to write, reflect. I can't sleep ... there's a lot on my mind. The house is quiet. Our puppy Tucker is curled up at my feet. Every now and them he makes little gurgling noise .... he must be dreaming.
I always thought by my 40's I would have it all together. Running a smooth home, everything put together, proper order, if you will. Work would be smooth, a steady flow. My relationships would be sound. I would be well put together, dressed, behaved, confident.
We live in somewhat of organized chaos, I'm lucky to be able to find my keys in the morning and I generally leave home forgetting at least an item or two. There is always so much to do in a home, inside and out, that sometimes I don't even know where to start! And the mountain of laundry never ceases to amaze me.
I know the feeling of bitterness, that life is a competition. It doesn't feel good. I know the feeling of lack of confidence, not fitting in (or at least feeling I don't).
I'm 41, yet sometimes I feel 5, an naive child .... or 15, a child who knows it all ....
I am so content with the life God has given me. There is peace. But life isn't perfect and there are times those feelings rear their ugly head. Its ever so easy to be swallowed up by it, give in ... but its another to be strong. I know the Lord gives me strength ... "I can so all things through Christ who strengths me" Phil. 3:14.

We visited my parents today. My father has just come home from knee replacement surgery. Everything went well, but at 72, recovery will be long. He hurts. My mother is stressed, worried. She is a worrier ... They just seemed old. I see them all the time and they are huge in my life, our famililies life. But tonight there seemed to be a change in them. I saw what I remember my grandparents being ... in their actions, reactions, demeanor.
It was strange ... a strange feeling to see them in that light.

We all go through seasons ...